Restless

Ever get to that point where you just don't know what else you can do to struggle out of the hole you are in? You can feel the water start to rise above your head and the flames licking at your lungs. That is how I have been feeling for a while. I don't know how long exactly. Maybe a few years. Maybe even six to seven years. Nothing I do is ever good enough. Not for the people I loved. Not for the people that I didn't care about. Not even me. I'm the worst kind of perfectionist. I try to make everything perfect and always fail miserably. I try to make me perfect and fail miserably. I change who I am in different situations... and it always comes back to bite me in the ass. I'm so tired of feeling like everything is my fault. I want to know what it is like to live on the other side. What would it have been like if I had money- whether it was because when I worked my ass off, it actually paid off- or even if it was just because I was born into a rich family. I have hopes and dreams and expectations that will never be met. I tried so hard for them. And I continue trying everyday, even when I feel like there is no use in trying and I just want to give up. I still find myself trying- hoping that someday it will all work out. Well, let's go see if I can sleep now. Probably not, since I am crying. But I'm still gonna try.